Friendship
▪ Consistent
▪ Relates to the quality of personal boundaries
▪ is a fit for committed and lasting relationships, planning (for success), loyalty, and all the other personal boundary aspects
▪ Forms a foundation on which a story can be built - like the theme of a story
▪ An island of safety to return to
▪ Mutual
▪ Mutual means "fair" - win/win, not win/lose
▪ It is part of what fails when there is narcissism or dependency
▪ It is what fails when there is a mismatch of maturity, the requirement for both quality friendship and lasting partnership
▪ Balance, which is also "health" as far as emotions go
▪ Evolutionarily advantageous, Reciprocal Altruism
▪ Shared
▪ Means "in person" and forms the basis for making a team for two and testing that.
▪ We are wired for in-person socializing and romance, not email, texts, or tweets.
▪ also lends ownership
▪ also prevents projection and other immature ego defenses that we see operating when people communicate electronically
▪ Positive Emotion
▪ Not the Emo Club, which is based on negativity and is weak
▪ Is synonymous with happiness, value, and self-esteem
▪ Note the difference between good sex and happiness or between success and happiness
▪ They can co-occur but do not naturally lead to each other, except in the case of Csikshentimihalyi's FLOW STATE, caused by balance and alignment of the cognitive, emotional and passion-based
▪ Means that depressed and anxious people are not good friends while in the throes of their problem
▪ Value and Investment
▪ Value = Happiness
▪ Value = happiness, but value = worth of something
▪ Is dynamic and changing
▪ Can have a "drain" or "siphon" on it, but also a "feeder"
▪ For example, one's circle of friends outside the romance
▪ Or the well-being that comes from income to a degree
▪ Family
▪ What Goes In Must Come Out
▪ the second law of thermodynamics - that energy is neither created nor destroyed
▪ if you are a taker, the chickens will come home to roost someday
▪ Like a credit card
▪ Beliefs
▪ composed of ideas with emotion
▪ and so values are a part of beliefs in that they are an emotional valence
▪ tabletop model, with
▪ idea
▪ evidence
▪ emotional glue
▪ sense of reality and what is real
▪ Optimizing Investment
▪ Consider what people consider a 'bargain"
▪ Vs. what people consider a "ripoff"
▪ How many relationships have you been in that were a bargain?
▪ How many were ripoffs?
▪ The former had positive emotions and value
▪ The latter drained your positive emotion and value
▪ Self-esteem
▪ Positive Emotional Energy
▪ Depression and anxiety have low self-esteem
▪ Well-being and Confidence are the two flavors of high self-esteem
▪ Stress is "negative self-esteem" and is composed of
▪ Hurt
▪ And Loss
▪ The Opposite of Stress
▪ Hurt outside if through the boundary causes ANGER, which can lead to violence or depression
▪ Loss outside if through boundary causes ANXIETY, which can lead to addiction or worry/panic and masochism
▪ Stress is unhappiness
▪ Happiness, self-esteem, value, and friendship relieve stress
▪ if anger is in you, it's yours and drains your well-being
▪ If anxiety is in you, it's yours and drains your confidence
▪ Well-being
▪ The sense of being full or having one's needs met, fed well, mothered
▪ Enables your engine to run cool and to be efficient without waste
▪ Confidence
▪ The state of being able to withstand risk, change, or loss, to be fathered
▪ The energy of action, getting things done
▪ The Four Laws of Emotional Dynamics
▪ The 1st Law
▪ Love = Happiness = Self-esteem = Well-being + Confidence
▪ Identity
▪ Oxytocin and Well-being
▪ Vasopressin and Confidence
▪ The Chemistry of Couples
▪ The 2nd Law
▪ Stress = Hurt + Loss
▪ Hurt
▪ Loss
▪ The 3rd Law
▪ Unhappiness = Anger + Anxiety
▪ Anger = Hurt that gets in you
▪ Anxiety = Loss that gets in you
▪ The 4th Law
▪ Unhappiness has three directions
▪ Passiveness, Destructiveness, and Constructiveness
▪ Anger = Depression + Aggression + Assertiveness
▪ Anxiety = Impulsive Avoidance + Masochism + Courage
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