THE STEPS OF INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION
▪ In this program, we will divide this process of committed partnership, of Intellectual Attraction, into three large “steps” that couples naturally navigate their way through. And in the end, they will find themselves sure, not just of their sexual attraction or the friendship bond they share, but their ability to solve life’s problems as a team and the reason that they conduct themselves as mature partners together, not just in mutual desire or happiness, but in mutual success:
▪ 7. Who I Am: Mature Character
▪ 8. Who We Are: Character Compatibility
▪ 9. Where We Are Going: Achieving Life’s Goals Together
The three brains all work together as a system once we get to the Intellectual attraction Phase (commitment or partnership)
▪ ATTACHMENT (reptilian)- Theorist John Bowlby studied primate infants as they develop attachments to caregivers and believed it to fit with our process of evolution because attachment behavior would help infants survive in environments where predators lurked. They may be exposed to the elements of nature. Attachment is likely such a strong and unconscious force in us as small children then - a “firmware” - because it essentially kept us alive.
▪ BONDING - (mammalian) (from Wikipedia...) - "Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship. It most commonly occurs between family members or friends, but it can also develop among groups, such as sporting teams, and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process and is different from simple liking. Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people who spend time together may form a bond. Male bonding refers to the establishment of relationships between men through shared activities. The term female bonding refers to the formation of close personal relationships between women."
▪ Identification and Initiation
▪ Identification - also a kind of “flip side” of attachment, in that, rather than being about what we unconsciously look for in a mate who feels familiar and right for us, it is what we unconsciously advertise out toward potential mates that they find unique about us.
▪ It might feel familiar to them, right for them, and beneficial if they were to partner with us. It is a set of traits that we took on from our same-sex parents.
▪ Initiation - taking the established identity we acquired from our same-sex parent from the internal psychological world into the external social world after approval by a whole community.
▪ Only this time, the further solidification of gender identity and character identity is not established one-on-one with our same-sex parent, but instead, is supervised by all same-sex elders of our whole village, or community, or organization to which we seek to belong.
In times past, done by ritual and ceremony, with some remaining vestiges of these left today: joining the military, graduating school, professional certification, passing fraternity or sorority “hazing,” getting married, or getting one’s first job is some analogies to these rituals of the past. As in ancient times and rituals, we are often given a new name or title, new responsibility, new rewards and goals that serve the community, new tools or rights, and often in the past. We were “given a spouse” arranged by the community, composed of men and women.
The 4 commonalities and the 4 skills of partnership (higher brained)
THE FOUR COMMONALITIES (the 4 inherent or even immutable aspects of you that help with inherent compatibility):
Intelligence
Maturity
Beliefs/Values
Goals (purpose or mission)
THE FOUR “Cs” or FOUR SKILLS OF COMMITMENT: (which can be grown from scratch by you and your partner
▪ CURIOSITY - we have to pay enough attention in the first place about something if we are to maintain a curiosity about it. Curiosity needs not to be distracted but to pay close attention to the matter. Observing Ego stops us from losing our focus and interest, causing us not to overvalue minor advantages to a relationship or to devalue the little things that might make it the perfect relationship for us. OE + Boundaries
▪ COMMUNICATION - without intimacy (two people being present-minded simultaneously), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant information, when Observing Ego is not employed. OE + Boundaries + Emotion + Data
▪ COMPROMISE - when we look to discover what it is we can live without so that there may be harmony and teamwork in our relationship, we have to pay attention enough to valuate what our proposition is. Without Observing Ego, we may be giving up some part of ourselves in service of the team, which we really couldn’t afford to give up, or demanding of our partner what they cannot give and what we shouldn’t even bother to ask. OE + Boundaries + Decisions
▪ COLLABORATION - When one pilot on an airline flight goes to sleep on a long voyage, the other pilot and autopilot take over. Still, they can’t maintain this arrangement for the whole flight (especially takeoff or landing.) Collaboration is also dynamic and shifting to and fro to accomplish goals, adjusting to obstacles and imperfections. It needs Observing Ego to be constantly aware of the changing circumstances and keep our eyes on our major goals. OE + Boundaries + Intellect (Left-brain and Right-brain)
▪ The Ego Defenses and Development, Evolution, and Personal Growth
▪ Primitive
▪ DENIAL - outright denying that reality exists, similar to lying to ourselves. Caused by the boundary having holes in it, where we deny the limits of what we own or control.
▪ CONVERSION - taking our unconscious struggles and channeling the conflict into bodily complaints and sensations.
▪ PROJECTION - taking something we don't like inside ourselves and putting it out there, into the world, then criticizing it.
▪ DISTORTION - seeing reality as very different from how it actually is, so as to fit our internal needs.
▪ SPLITTING - taking the good and bad that are equally in ourselves, and projecting both out into the world, so that everyone and everything out there is either all GOOD or all BAD. "Black and white thinking"
▪ Immature
▪ ACTING OUT - Direct expression in action of an unconscious wish, instinct or impulse without conscious awareness of the emotion underlying the behavior. It is literally letting the instincts run our behavior without filtering or intervention
▪ FANTASY - When people tend to retreat into fantasy to resolve their inner conflicts or outer stresses; this is also the way of teens who take to science fiction or romantic fantasy media keep themselves from being overwhelmed. If something dabbled in as a guilty pleasure, there is something to be said for the enriching of the creative mind; however, since the intellectual attraction phase of courtship is all about goal-setting in our committed relationships, living in fantasy will not do.
▪ Some men may complain more about this defense being present in women with whom they are involved, but males are likely catching up in its use as an obstacle in relationships.
▪ The lifestyle popular among more and more male teens in Asia - “ghosting”
▪ IDEALIZATION - This defense appears when we see another person as having more desirable qualities than he or she may actually have. We saw the basic boundary anatomy of this defense when we looked at the defense called “Projection.” Only in this case - Idealization - are we participating in a kind of “hero worship,” which we can occasionally indulge in.
▪ INTROJECTION - It occurs when we take on some idea or admire a person so deeply that they literally “become a part of us,” where our identity takes on some of their identity. Unlike projection - which puts our imaginations and memories out onto the identity of other people, creating a mirage, falsifying them - introjection takes their true essence into ourselves. Whether the identity of the other person tends more toward good or more the evil is another matter. What is taken in is real and gives us a real, new identity.
▪ PASSIVE-AGGRESSION - Oh, you know this one well. So well. You have been it, done it, and experienced it countless times. It is aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively, often through procrastination or some other seemingly non-aggressive but destructive act.
▪ Neurotic
▪ DISPLACEMENT - Whenever you are in a relationship and are inexplicably getting blamed for something you didn’t do, this social habit is likely going on, especially if there is a “triangle” of relating.
▪ DISSOCIATION - This social habit is more than just ‘zoning out” since it involves utterly losing touch with one’s sense of personhood for a time to separate the experience of trauma, attack, or anxiety on that personhood, a bit like getting up and leaving a room in which there is an argument going on, only the room is you.
▪ The habit also can be made when one separates or clamps down on emotion to the point where it is not felt for now so that one can deal physically or intellectually with matters at hand. It’s the “I don’t have time to cry” habit
▪ ISOLATION OF AFFECT - Like intellectualization, the social habit of isolation tamps down on the outer expression of emotion in favor of only focusing on ideas. It reminds us that we have an inner experience of communicating with ourselves. This separation need not be only seen in explanations of things or intellectual arguments but also simply in the inner experience of not feeling the emotions of a social situation, as if the emotions are stuffed into the unconscious alongside the instincts, under the “ego boundary,” and out of our awareness.
▪ RATIONALIZATION - You might see this social habit as being somehow related to the much more primitive “denial,” in that it is an automatic, unconscious attempt to excuse oneself from culpability for a moral failing or mistake. Anyone who has ever been in a love relationship knows it well, both from doing it and being on the receiving end. It causes us to continue functioning without guilt and deal with the aftermath later. Unlike the more primitive denial, it does acknowledge that a negative social occurrence has happened. Still, it automatically shifts the question, “Why?” to somewhere else to not have to deal with emotions arising after a bad decision. Guilt has a very useful purpose in our growth of conscience, as we’ve seen, but it can also be overwhelming
▪ INTELLECTUALIZATION - Sometimes, when you are dating or considering a relationship with a smart person, it can make you pull your hair out. You want to understand them as a real person and feel their emotion, but no matter what you do, they always have a logical, intellectual way of explaining away how things feel, favoring instead how things work. Alternatively, you may find that they tend to get enraged by your intellectuality, always complaining to you that you don’t seem to understand them at all, which angers you too because you’re smart enough to understand what’s going on between you, of course.
▪ REACTION FORMATION - We have covered this one as an example, which involves automatically changing unconscious instincts or impulses that are consciously thought to be in violation of or unacceptable to our higher-brained moral codes (Freud’s Superego) into their opposites. This unconscious social habit is interesting as a tool for “reading” and decoding others. It has been said that “the unconscious only think in positives, not negatives.” This is one of the popular methods of detecting a lie in others - that when one negates something in conversation, the idea first had to exist as a positive. So, what the person was thinking at the unconscious level was the positive version. For example, if someone says to you, “It’s not that your looks are not my type. It’s just that I’m spoken for right now,” the person’s unconscious is thinking that it is your looks that they don’t prefer. It’s too uncomfortable to make that known.
▪ REPRESSION - We have discussed “beliefs” as a memory construct and how emotions tie to ideas to make a complete belief. This social habit might be said to be the opposite of intellectualization in a way since it is one where the emotion is allowed to remain present. Still, the idea or knowledge of a conflict is what is sent out of the conscious mind.
▪ REGRESSION - This social habit is one of those which has become part of the popular lexicon, and while people generally know what it means, it is important to see its core element as one of going backward in one’s level of maturity in response to threatening stress or emotion. This means that the person has reached a certain level of development in their life, but how they behave now is a response to some emotional trouble they are going through.
▪ UNDOING - It is helpful to remember that in some way, defense mechanisms always pertain to the functioning of a personal boundary - either the outer one which connects us to the social world around us or the inner ego boundary which separates our unconscious instincts from our conscious mind and emotions. If we remember the visual depiction of a boundary, then we can always bypass the technical terms in which so much sounds alike. Defense mechanisms, as “mechanisms,” are always about the function of one or the other boundary and its status of holes, walls, or doors. Further, when the defense is more immature and unconscious, it pertains more to the ego boundary function, and when more mature and conscious, more of the personal boundary comes into play.
▪ WITHDRAWAL - Sometimes, a social habit can be more than primitive, more than immature, and yet, still severe or indicative of suffering. Withdrawal is like this and is often seen in traumatized individuals. It is similar to the phenomenon we had discussed previously, called “ghosting,” where males were removing themselves from society due to the pain they perceive there. It might be said to be similar in unconscious strategy to fantasy or wishful thinking.
▪ Mature
▪ ACCEPTANCE - Many of us have heard of the “5 stages of grief”: the process where denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance help us get over a major loss, such as that of a person from our lives. The final resting point where stability is regained is considered to be acceptable, a condition of equanimity and peace
▪ ALTRUISM - Evolutionary Psychologists point us toward the concept of kinship and reciprocal altruism among animals, and especially mammals, where we find an evolutionary advantage in occasionally sharing our resources with other members of the species, especially coming from a point of excess resources In the success of a couple, you might see this social habit - more conscious and intentional than the neurotic, immature, or pathological defenses - as the science-based core of any advice on “investing and withdrawing on a romantic bank account.”
▪ ANTICIPATION - In terms of boundaries, you might see it as an extension of the knowledge of what we currently control and don’t control about life. This gives rise to the concept of even having future goals in the first place. Through goals, what we do not control now, we may in the future.
▪ COURAGE - as described in the Anxiety Map
▪ ASSERTIVENESS - as described in the Anger Map
▪ GRATITUDE - We tend to focus on this virtue only when in desperate need, but those of high character have learned to make it an automatic habit. There is a very good reason for this; if you think about the relationship between two people, where one takes more of a parental, unconditional love stance on providing confidence to the other, and the other takes more of a student role, the recipient of sustenance from their partner.
▪ EMOTIONAL SELF-SUFFICIENCY - This virtue of character and mature defense mechanism has, as its basis, not being dependent on the validation or approval of others. As such, you might consider it “self-love” or “self-respect.”
▪ This virtue or the mature defense takes all the shared teamwork aspects of the teamwork between a high-character couple and turns it on its ear - looking at the privacy and rejuvenation that is necessary for balance
▪ EMOTIONAL SELF-REGULATION - This defense shouldn’t be called a defense. It’s a strength; it’s common sense and a virtue. If there is any reflection of the direct connection between the defenses and one’s personal boundary function, this one is the best of the best, as an example.
▪ FORGIVENESS - One of the hardest virtues of all to practice when one has been hurt by divorce or emotionally abused, insulted, or offended by one so close to them. This semi-conscious tendency to see that harboring revenge is a win/lose proposition and that there comes a time to let go of resentment, indignation or anger is the only way to thrive in the real world of mistakes that people make, including ourselves.
▪ HUMILITY - While nobody is perfect and has a flawless record in their relationships, it is all the more important to imagine being with a partner with a humble rather than aggrandized self-opinion. If it is success at our goals that we seek, but we find ourselves with a partner (or being the partner) who has an expanded sense of self, that will prove more costly to us both to maintain and feed with the limited resources we have.
▪ HUMOR - It was said that the German Philosopher and writer, Goethe, had three rules to follow in throwing a dinner party, something he loved to do often in his intellectual salons that he would put on.
▪ The first was the necessity of joining together based on the events that had happened to the individuals invited that day.
▪ The second is the need to unite his guests over current events or the larger philosophical issues affecting us all.
▪ Since these salon discussions were often serious and weighty, Goethe insisted on events ending only with humor so that one would wish to come again, and often.
▪ IDENTIFICATION - On the surface, you might think the unconscious modeling of one's own identity on another person's character and behavior to be more on the immature side and based in too much of what the Self Psychologists have called “false self.” However, when done in small amounts, for example, in having heroes even into mature adult life, or in a deep bonding of the shared identity between two mature partners at that “mandorla” intersection of their boundaries, you might also see how identification can also be a natural, mature, higher level feature of being human.
▪ MINDFULNESS - basically, Observing Ego
▪ MODERATION - the Aristotelian Golden Mean - Virtue
▪ MERCY - You have certainly heard the phrase that “Absolute power corrupts, absolutely.” Well, only for those with character weaknesses and incipient lack of mercy for others. This may draw from the concept that no human being is entirely free of narcissism, the tendency to be selfish, and self-centered, to lack empathy for others, to cross the boundaries of others, and to occasionally win/lose in our social transactions with others.
▪ PATIENCE - We have said that patience may be a feature of the “inner boundary” we have been learning about - the “Ego Boundary,” as I have called it - that which blocks or allows material from the unconscious instincts and drives to enter the conscious mind (whether or not having done that, your “outer boundary,” the Personal Boundary allows the impulse to be publicly expressed is a second matter. This patience that blocks the impulsiveness of the instincts is widely recognized as an essential of adult life, is a major feature behind analyzing violations of the rights of others, and the law, of one’s culpability for doing wrong depending on age-appropriateness, and is also a part of what the Positive Psychologists such as Dan Goleman call, “emotional intelligence.”
▪ RESPECT - good boundaries.
▪ SUBLIMATION - what is constructive and win/win converts the bad emotion to good, only in this case, it converts drives and instincts from destructive to constructive.
▪ SUPPRESSION - Suppression gives us the conscious decision to delay dealing with our emotions or destructive things in our lives so that we may deal with the present things we need to get done to survive, maintain stability, and rework our strategy at life’s goals as a successful couple. It is reminiscent of the 1990s action films where the main character often said, “I ain’t got time to bleed.”
▪ TOLERANCE - Tolerance is simple - allowing that of which one disapproves, which is the ultimate in respect for what boundaries even are - that we don’t own or control the opinions or perspectives of others.
▪ Virtues and Vices of the Mother
▪ To the son of a mother, she will represent his very first and most profound and "imprinted" blueprint of a "female whom one loves." Because this is "imprinted" through attachment and bonding, it will be unconscious and the benchmark against which he is inexorably drawn to a mate.
▪ To the daughter of a mother, she will represent her deep sense of self and belonging and, through identification, will become the unconscious benchmark of "what it is to be me, as a woman." Which will, in turn, guide what she radiates toward men.
▪ All people have virtues and vices, and so both will be made into what a boy seeks unconsciously in a woman, what he is unconsciously drawn to and desires, and what a girl will unconsciously find herself becoming.
▪ Familiarity is the principle, as we will be familiar with both virtues and vices, and our task is to shed the vices from the imprinted aspects of our mother in what we seek to become or who we seek to love, all while enjoying the virtues that we do find in ourselves and others.
▪ See how your story as a person is told in the context of your MOTHER'S FAMILY LINE.
▪ Virtues and Vices of the Father
▪ To the daughter of a father, he will represent her very first and most profound and "imprinted" blueprint of a "male whom one loves." Because this is "imprinted" through attachment and bonding, it will be unconscious and the benchmark against which she is inexorably drawn to a mate.
▪ To the son of a father, he will represent his deep sense of self and destined achievement, and through identification, will become the unconscious benchmark of "what it is to be me, as a man." Which will, in turn, guide what he radiates toward women.
▪ All people have virtues and vices, and so both will be made into what a girl seeks unconsciously in a man, what she is unconsciously drawn to and desires, and what a boy will unconsciously find himself becoming.
▪ Familiarity is the principle, as we will be familiar with both virtues and vices, and our task is to shed the vices from the imprinted aspects of our father in what we seek to become or who we seek to love, all while enjoying the virtues that we do find in ourselves and others.
▪ HOW IS YOUR STORY TOLD IN THE CONTEXT OF YOUR FATHER'S FAMILY LINE.
▪ Perpetual Growth and Compatible Character
▪ We have learned about the step-by-step process so far, where men and women find each other desirable in Phase I - sexual attraction - followed by the emotional connection of Phase II - emotional attraction.
▪ However, this process of general personal growth is largely performed in the years leading up to the relationship (or what you do with your learning after the relationship is over).
▪ Perhaps you will meet your best partner because of the personal growth you have already done yourself.
▪ However, if you are like most people, there will be far more growth for you to do alongside a person as you go through life.
▪ The way you will do this will depend on you both being curious and collaborative people, or you will be destined to the age-old "We grew apart."
▪ Unlike sexual attraction and personality compatibility, there is also the concept of "character compatibility" to contend with, which will have to do with the following:
▪ Your mutual, individual, and shared life stories.
▪ How much the virtues and vices in the woman remind the man of his mother, to whom he is attached and bonded, and which are similar in the virtues and vices of the woman's mother, with whom she identified.
▪ How much the virtues and vices in the man's father (with whom he identifies) are also present in the man and cause the woman to be reminded of her own father, to whom she was attached and bonded.
▪ If you have wondered how you could find a great match, your opposite in personality, but still not have things work out for the long term, the lack of a Compatible Character (and joint life's story) is why.
▪ If you have wondered how some people with imperfectly matched personalities - for example, a King and Warrior or a Lover and Magician - could still work out in the long term, this is why: the presence of Character Compatibility.
▪ THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE IS ALSO THE STORY OF YOUR CHARACTER GROWTH, AND NOW WE NEED TO PREPARE TO JOIN OUR STORY TO THAT OF ANOTHER PERSON.
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