An Overview of Romantic Dynamics® : Step Five

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We continue the audio instruction, this time on step five - the middle step of the three (4,5, and 6) in the second phase of courtship—Emotional Attraction. And how Romantic Dynamics® works in the middle of phase two. We will then cover each of the remaining four steps of courtship in their audios.

In this fifth lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

▪ Step 5 - Finding Stress in Each Other, with the Anger and Anxiety Maps

▪ What we learned about the unconscious mind (the “reptilian brain”), masculinity, femininity, and passions through the drama of the Greek myths, we can learn about the emotions – jealousy, revenge, fear, worry, regret and a full spectrum of others – through the drama of Shakespeare.  

▪ For a potential lasting couple to navigate friendship and love together in this, the Act Two of our love story called human courtship, we must master the two prime negative emotions – anger and fear – or risk our friendship's failure, and therefore our romance.  

▪ The Effect of Stress on Friendship and Love

▪ The Problem of Negative Emotions

▪ Negative emotions violate the 4th part of the definition of friendship or love - the most important part

▪ This means that depression and anxiety will kill your friendship or love

▪ You will have to defeat these in yourself, and to a degree, as a teammate to others to have friendship and love

▪ If you remember that energy is neither created, nor destroyed, then you will find that there is both "hidden treasure" in stress, and the only safety, security, and an "escape route" to tunnel into the capitalization of your stress

▪ If you look at this in a dramatic light - it is also the "Hero's Journey" - frustration and or boredom, leading to an adventure, which leads to danger, and a character flaw, which if mastered, leads to a TREASURE, but from there, one needs to find their way back out to the "land of the living" and to give a "boon to society."

▪ That's the Hero's Journey and personal growth itself.

▪ All, available through the effect of stress on your friendships and love.

▪ The Spectrum of Stress and Negative Emotions

▪ Stress = Hurt + Loss

▪ If they get into your boundary, they transform

▪ They deplete your Self Esteem, which = Well-being + Confidence

▪ Which results in Anger + Anxiety

▪ However, these are also on a spectrum

▪ And every negative emotion you have (as well as every stress that you encounter), can be described as a certain amount of ANGER and a certain amount of ANXIETY

▪ Percentage + Percentage, whichever final word you use to describe them, the stresses and negative emotions which kill friendship and love are a certain amount of both.

▪ Which means that all you need to do is master the two ends of the spectrum

▪ And which leads to mastering every stress or negative emotion in between

▪ Stress, Negative Emotions, and Boundaries

▪ You can start as a positive person, but through expectable weaknesses in your boundary, you can end up a negative person if you are with a negative person

▪ This explains how "you are who you associate with"

▪ However, you can also both start out as positive people, but outside stress, if overwhelming enough, can lead you both to being negative people

▪ Or, you can both start out as positive people, but over time, even without stress, you can find that you have nothing new to offer each other, and become bored, starving for well-being or fearful and unconfident

▪ The latter will also bridge us to Step 6 of courtship, Finding Completion in Each Other, which is also best friendship

▪ When we become friends, we also abut our personal boundaries for the first time, and as friendship and love evolve into more commitment and partnership (paralleling our character), this also leads to being a liability to each other in terms of boundaries that are shared by the growing "relationship" itself, which is an area of "shared psychological space"

▪ The shared area of boundaries essentially doubles our resources invested but also results in exposure to and liability caused by any imperfections and "holes" in the other person's boundary

▪ Turning Stress Into Positives and Growth

▪ The definition of friendship = mutual, shared, positive emotion, can see us working on all four, and thereby raising maturity level and character as we go along.

▪ The result of just being in such a relationship and also rising to the occasion to be fit for such a friendship or relationship needs us to grow enough to qualify for this

▪ Romantic growth and progress IS psychological growth and "spiritual growth"

▪ Hurt = loss of Well-being = anger = depression, can be "metabolized" into getting needs met and well-being by way of Assertiveness ("if all you have is lemons, make lemonade")

▪ Loss = depletion of Confidence = anxiety = addiction = masochism, can be "metabolized" into facing fears and gaining confidence back by way of Courage ("what doesn't kill us makes us stronger")

▪ We can also just outright lend each other Well-being or Confidence to raise the overall Self Esteem in the other, but this is only sustainable by opposite personality styles seen in Best Friendship, as in the next lesson, on Step 6: Finding Completion in Each Other

The Treasure Map of Anger

▪ We are told that the people we are most jealous of are the ones we must most imitate. Without this, we don't know our needs, and if one is depressed but doesn't know their needs, what can we spend our efforts of assertiveness on, even?

▪ Our own neediness or hunger is also a treasure to be found through assertiveness.

▪ The cause of Anger is either the stress of HURT or the lack of resources, UNMET NEEDS

▪ These two come together to make ANGER. Although the stress of HURT on the outside is what needs to be blocked by a solid boundary.

▪ NEEDS are then what we must focus most on, here.

▪ Once angry, there are only THREE THINGS WE EVER DO WITH IT:

▪ DEPRESSION

▪ AGGRESSION = getting your needs met BY HURTING OTHERS.

▪ ASSERTIVENESS = getting your own needs met without hurting others.

▪ Every time you do Assertiveness, you get Well-being as a reward, which is the TREASURE of the Anger Map, and is half of Self Esteem

▪ It is like "making lemonade out of lemons, if that is all you have."The Rescue Map of Anxiety

The Rescue Map of Anxiety

▪ We are told that the people and situations we fear most are the ones we must face. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You must do the thing you know you cannot."

▪ Without this, we don't know our fears, and if one is anxious but doesn't know their fears, what can we spend our courage on, even?

▪ Our own fear or threats to us are, then, also the very pathway out to be found through courage. The origin of the advice is, "The only way out is THROUGH."

▪ The cause of Anxiety is either the stress of LOSS, or the lack of confidence, COMFORT WITH UNCERTAINTY, RISK, CHANGE, OR LOSS.

▪ These two - "loss" and "lack of confidence" - come together to create ANXIETY. However, a solid boundary must block the stress and threat of LOSS on the outside.

▪ FEARS are then what we must focus most on here.

▪ Once anxious, there are only THREE THINGS WE EVER DO WITH IT:

▪ ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE

▪ MASOCHISM ("VICTIM THINKING") = getting over your fears is met BY STEALING FROM OTHERS or DUMPING WORRIES ON THEM.

▪ COURAGE = doing the right thing, no matter how bad it feels

▪ Every time you do Courage, you get Confidence as a reward, which is the RESCUE ROUTE of the Anxiety Map, and is half of Self Esteem

▪ It is like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

▪ From Mastery of Stress to Best Friendship

▪ As you master the two maps, you do personal growth toward higher character and maturity

▪ You march through the four qualities consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion

▪ Your friendship or love becomes more enriched, and partnered (shared, in that intimacy of shared boundary forms, with shared resources)

▪ You go from just 'liking" with its reciprocal altruism and commonalities to actual teamwork and mutual handling of stress

▪ You find that when one person is better at well-being and the other better at confidence, you balance each other better and cause more true mutual support

▪ You find that it is less stressful to be together than apart.

▪ You find TREASURE, but can also MINE it and RETURN WITH IT to "the land of the living."

▪ You are generous with it

▪ Couples usually encounter anger problems and resource problems first, and then anxiety and outside threats to the relationship.

▪ Navigating these is a threat to the relationship but are also the "arrows of Hercules" - the threat that the band would be no longer.

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